A Long Story

So, I broke the rules of therapy. I did a free writing exercise trying to get the bad thoughts out of my head and in turn wrote about suicide and the big red flag of suicide is having a plan and I had one. Detailed, explaining how and where, why the plan would work and how it couldn’t be stopped or fail. The plan was detailed. It’s frightening to see your brain work on such a level. It’s also terrifying because the therapist has very little response to it. I promised not carry out the plan. I have resources to reach out to in bad moments but it’s all my choice. It’s whatever I want or what I feel is best for the world. It’s hard to see how my existing is best for the world. I had cut myself some more too, coping has been tough lately.

So, what’s been going on to create such stress. Living arrangements suck. I still have to live with my wife and that’s a daily stress. Going back to that every night is rough. You never know what’s going to happen. She cut herself one night after a fight as well. Apartments and even roommates are expensive to get in. It’s just the way it is. I try but hard to not feel discouraged.

We also talked about how I interact with the girl I love. We hung out for a little on Sunday and then for a longer visit on Monday and Sunday was great but Monday didn’t go well. Afterwards she admitted she put effort into being happy Sunday but didn’t Monday hoping I would supply the energy. Instead both days I responded to what energy I was given. It was a failure on my part but he asked if she did that deliberately which she did and this confused him. He actually referred to is as playing games and dishonest to do such a thing. He also inquired about whether or not she got defensive when asked about this type of stuff and she does. It’s a hard balancing act where she’s angry with perfectly legitimate reasons but also behaving in a way that makes it difficult to move forward. She has also repeatedly said she knows what she needs to move forward but refuses to tell me because I should know her and be able to figure it out. We have discussed this in past sessions briefly but this time he asked if I felt she wanted the relationship to proceed and was acting accordingly and asked what I would do and it’s a very hard question. I’m taking a test everyday with her and if I was in her shoes what would I do? If I loved the person I would want them to succeed so I would give them the answers but she doesn’t know she loves me so that doesn’t fit. It’s hard to balance. He just worries about the dishonesty. It’s always hard working on one side of the story. I try to be honest and portray both sides evenly but I don’t know. And yes we both admit the whole situation is my fault.

It’s doing the work to build a relationship but she’s not invested. But she’s not, it’s not dishonest but it’s a test. It’s hard to test a relationship but it’s hard to get over what I did. It’s hard to balance. So there’s no teamwork. The cores of a relationship aren’t there and trying to rebuild them is a lot of hard work. I’m doing the work and I know she’s working hard to but he’s worried about the structure of everything. It’s a hard balance.

So, I walked out of therapy lost. Confused. Not sure it helped or hurt me. And I’ve kind of been there ever since. Some days are bad, hopefully some will be better.