With the therapist on vacation I’m somewhat left to my own devices and whereas I’m not in session I think it’s important to keep writing and do something. Recently, I was given a number of website and Reddit pages to look at discussing various emotions of each member of an affair and what recovery looks like from each perspective. I only have the one perspective but I wanted to kind of give my reaction to some of the major points.

One of the message boards described a person a year after finding out about an affair and how they are able to be ok and happy some days but other days feel stuck and sad and not sure why. It’s hard to respond to all these points because there are so many questions I don’t know the answer too but here I go. She refers to herself as almost clinging to the pain and I think this is very relatable. Often I’ve had conversations with the woman I love that have dragged down in arguments and gotten pretty bad but we don’t stop talking because we don’t know we’d ever talk again and therefore can’t stop talking. It’s a scary thought to not know what’s coming next. Pain sucks but she’s learned it and how to live with it. It can overwhelm her and she talks about selfishly punishing her husband. She talks about keeping them stuck afraid that the affair could happen again. This must be excruciating. I’m having a similar problem rebuilding trust especially in a situation where she knows I go back to a wife and listens when I say there’s little to no interaction and my intentions to be done with that relationship are clear but of course something gnaws at the back of her. In this instance the couple tried counseling but it didn’t work and she lists two reasons. Both sound valid but are very much filled with bad signs. The first was she didn’t like the therapist or think the therapist was very good. This happens. People don’t always interact well together and if the style of therapy doesn’t fit with who you are then the therapy is worthless. No doubt and you need a new therapist. The second was that her husband wasn’t a natural talker and didn’t respond to therapy. Potentially this explains the entire post. All the work to rebuild trust cannot be one sided and if he didn’t like to talk (same here with emotions) than you have to wonder if she feels stuck because of a lack of contrition. How hard is he working and this is a difficult question. I’m constantly faced with what am I doing to show remorse and show her she is my priority and the answers are often difficult. Often it’s mental work, and selfish mental work because if I don’t fix myself I can’t fix the relationship but the concern is often that I’m doing that for me and would do it regardless of who I am trying to be with. This part doesn’t feel entirely true. Some people make us want to be our best selves. Some people make us want to do the work to be better. Maybe that’s a personal deficiency in me, I certainly have a lot of those. Recovering from an affair certainly has a lot of visual aspects. A comment on the post talks about asking attacking questions or trying to trick her spouse into lying about things in order to cause pain and get a tearful response. Trying to transfer her pain to him and in turn ensuring that he is feeling pain. Have definitely dealt with this and whereas it sucks it’s also understandable. She constantly worries that I’m going to get the person I want and therefore learn my behaviors were ok because there isn’t any consequences. It can be hard to see I’m living in a world awash in consequences from my actions. Filled with downward spirals that go so very far downward. We learn as children not to judge others because we don’t know their story and it’s worse in this instance where the pain and anguish often don’t have physical manifestations. And when the signs get physical it’s so much worse.

Another article is from the betrayers perspective and deals with one of the great questions that is almost an impossible reconciliation. I absolutely love the woman I want to be with and consistently made choices that caused her pain. How can that be? There are a lot of short answers. I was selfish, I put myself above her, I thought this was the safest option, and I thought it would work out and just needed time to figure out what to do. These are all true but also all a weak smokescreen of excuses. I did put my feelings above her and did it a lot and didn’t even realize it most of the time. Why? Because I never doubted my love for her. But that was just an emotion and lacked all action and love needs to be both an emotion and an action. There was a lot of personal pain and blindness. It only made me focus on what I thought I could be and what I thought I could achieve. I wasn’t even in the want versus need argument they get to in the post because I was blind. I thought I needed a safety net because of the depression and worthlessness that I never resolved. My ability to compartmentalize is amazing. None of this was good. None of it lined up with who I wanted to be or who I thought I needed to be and that caused a lot of damage.

The author Linda McDonald in her book “How to help your spouse heal from an affair” lists 15 behaviors that need to be followed in order for a relationship to survive. Some of them I think I’m pretty good at.

Examine motives without blaming partner – this takes a lot of work but I do feel like I’ve accepted responsibility for my behavior and I’m working a lot on the motives. They go deep and deal with many issues and a twisted way of thinking so it’s slow and hard work but I do believe it’s going well and in therapy it’s important to celebrate victories.

Seek to assure partners of your love and commitment to fidelity – I’m working hard on this. I do love her very much and tell her often. Perhaps I could say it more, I think it’s always a dream to be told to say “I love you” more often.

Some of them I need to work more on…

Respect the betrayed partners timetable for recovery – I’m horrible at this and I’m working on it but it’s tough. Depression makes me feel forgettable and I feel like taking the back seat to allow her to grieve will simply lead to her knowing she’s better off without me. It’s a hard thing to balance. I don’t doubt the importance but how do you believe that someone will remember you when you feel like nothing about you is good. The obvious answer is that it doesn’t matter. I can’t force her to recover on anything but her timeline and without recovery I’ll be nothing to her anyway so I need to improve. A lot of messages talk about accepting you’ll be ok but that’s hard when nothing feels ok. Sometimes I know I will sometimes I don’t. It’s scary but I’ll get better. At least I know it’s a problem to face.

So, I broke the rules of therapy. I did a free writing exercise trying to get the bad thoughts out of my head and in turn wrote about suicide and the big red flag of suicide is having a plan and I had one. Detailed, explaining how and where, why the plan would work and how it couldn’t be stopped or fail. The plan was detailed. It’s frightening to see your brain work on such a level. It’s also terrifying because the therapist has very little response to it. I promised not carry out the plan. I have resources to reach out to in bad moments but it’s all my choice. It’s whatever I want or what I feel is best for the world. It’s hard to see how my existing is best for the world. I had cut myself some more too, coping has been tough lately.

So, what’s been going on to create such stress. Living arrangements suck. I still have to live with my wife and that’s a daily stress. Going back to that every night is rough. You never know what’s going to happen. She cut herself one night after a fight as well. Apartments and even roommates are expensive to get in. It’s just the way it is. I try but hard to not feel discouraged.

We also talked about how I interact with the girl I love. We hung out for a little on Sunday and then for a longer visit on Monday and Sunday was great but Monday didn’t go well. Afterwards she admitted she put effort into being happy Sunday but didn’t Monday hoping I would supply the energy. Instead both days I responded to what energy I was given. It was a failure on my part but he asked if she did that deliberately which she did and this confused him. He actually referred to is as playing games and dishonest to do such a thing. He also inquired about whether or not she got defensive when asked about this type of stuff and she does. It’s a hard balancing act where she’s angry with perfectly legitimate reasons but also behaving in a way that makes it difficult to move forward. She has also repeatedly said she knows what she needs to move forward but refuses to tell me because I should know her and be able to figure it out. We have discussed this in past sessions briefly but this time he asked if I felt she wanted the relationship to proceed and was acting accordingly and asked what I would do and it’s a very hard question. I’m taking a test everyday with her and if I was in her shoes what would I do? If I loved the person I would want them to succeed so I would give them the answers but she doesn’t know she loves me so that doesn’t fit. It’s hard to balance. He just worries about the dishonesty. It’s always hard working on one side of the story. I try to be honest and portray both sides evenly but I don’t know. And yes we both admit the whole situation is my fault.

It’s doing the work to build a relationship but she’s not invested. But she’s not, it’s not dishonest but it’s a test. It’s hard to test a relationship but it’s hard to get over what I did. It’s hard to balance. So there’s no teamwork. The cores of a relationship aren’t there and trying to rebuild them is a lot of hard work. I’m doing the work and I know she’s working hard to but he’s worried about the structure of everything. It’s a hard balance.

So, I walked out of therapy lost. Confused. Not sure it helped or hurt me. And I’ve kind of been there ever since. Some days are bad, hopefully some will be better.

A healthy skepticism. That was his first question after how are you because I called myself “moderately happy”. Things have been good and bad over the past week. So, he wanted to know if there was ever just a point when I was just happy. There have been moments but it’s been a while. I tend to be prepared for something to go wrong. I’m trying to be different. A little skepticism seems healthy and wise but can pretty quickly destine you for failure.

We started talking about my wife and looking at what’s she going through. Living in her house as been extremely stressful. Her world has been turned upside down and she doesn’t think it’ll ever be ok. So she lashes out when I won’t give her time. When I won’t ask how her day has been. He asks if I could do those things that might calm her and I honestly don’t know. I could have a 10 minute how was your day talk but would that calm her or just proceed to have her ask for a 30 minute talk? She wants to feel some part is normal but where does that stop? Or is the best thing to just remove myself from the situation entirely? We discuss living options, explaining how I need to use money for to buy my car so that I’ve ha difficulty saving to a point I can afford a place, how the roommate search isn’t going well, how I’m worried about a year long lease because what if shortly after signing the woman I love says I can live with her and I’m stuck in a lease. He admits it’s a lot to balance. He thinks I’ve been somewhat ingenious in solving what problems I have so far and suspects that if I keep working and keep thinking about what’s important to the woman I love I will find the answers.

We talk about the other problems facing my wife. She’s been cutting herself and whereas it hasn’t to been to kill herself simply to distract from the pain it’s not good and shows her coping behaviors are failing. She has been talking about suicide. I know she’s brought it up to her therapist and she’s brought up rough plans which is a bad sign. I’ve offered to her take her to the hospital but she’s always refused. I get it. It’s the same way I’ve been at times. How do I help her but maintain the divorce and not build any relationship with her? Even being a friend seems dangerous and foreign now. The doctor agrees that removing myself from the situation would help her develop coupling strategies that don’t involve me. She has friends that will help.

I wrote a letter to my mother explaining what had happened, the divorce, the affair, who is important to me and how much I love her. It wasn’t well received but it was important to set the record straight. He asks if the letter was an attempt to make amends. Part of being an addict is writing letters to make amends and he wants to know if I’m following that path and he’s somewhat surprised to find that I do feel like an addict and have look into those philosophies for guidance. This letter wasn’t about making amends though. It was about who I want to be and setting the record straight. It’s about the decisions I made and what decisions I need to make to be happy. The letter want well received but it was never about that. I say my mom blames herself for ruining my life and he asks if there’s any truth to that statement. She wasn’t a great mom and in some ways I’m portly adjusted but I don’t blame her. I know my own decisions and I know where I failed to make the right decisions based on what my head and heart want. It’s been hard to get them to line up but that’s not a product of how I was raised. Yes I don’t come from a family of divorce. There was only one and it was never well-received but everyone has made there peace with it. My generation in my family has already had another divorce but that was well-received under much different circumstances.

We also discuss how things are with the woman I love. Our messages vary a bit but have become far more positive. We talk about Saturday night when I went out with her brother and the doctor is excited I was able to help her out and step up. I talk about her saying she misses me and wants to reconcile. We talk about mistakes such as abandoning her when I fell asleep and he cautions mistakes will happen just apologize and strive to do better. Don’t get to bogged down just work to fix things. He sees I am working hard. He’s pleased at the progress. It’s nice to kind of go out an high note as they say.

Tonight, I went in with a full little list of things to discuss. The list wasn’t good. It has been a rough week. I feel out of control of my own life which is unnerving. It creates a lot of bad feelings. I didn’t handle it well. I had an anxiety attack so bad I went to the ER. I felt like I was having a stroke, my entire side was numb. Even my face felt numb. I was checked out and released. The emergency room never diagnoses anxiety. They just make sure you’ll live and tell you to see your regular doctor. Of course that makes sense but dam it felt like a heart attack.

On Wednesday things really went wrong. I was at work during the day and cutting up some cardboard and just feeling down. I’ve never cut myself before but the pains in my head wouldn’t stop. Nothing felt right. I needed something to distract me from the pain so I ran the blade over my skin. Very lightly. It didn’t even mark but yeah it distracted me. I stopped feeling worse for a split second so I did it again. And again. Always light so it didn’t leave a mark. An hour later the marks were there though. Yes, I’ve tried to hurt myself in small ways to distract my brain and stop anxiety. This worked for a second but left me empty. 7 marks on your forearm doesn’t help self-esteem. I wasn’t going the right direction so I just felt worse. I left work and went for a walk.

I didn’t plan on going to the third floor of the mall. I was just going to grab a quick bite at the food court but as I went up I looked down. Nothing was right. I had deeply fucked up everything I wanted. I wanted to be happy but that seemed impossible. I had the “we are done” text from the woman I loved. It was a long way down. I went to sit down. It’s weird when you want to kill yourself. You start to focus on little details because you really don’t want to die. I was texting feverishly to talk to her but not getting responses. Mind you I was. Maybe 1 every 5 minutes but 5 minutes was an eternity. I was moving from one spot to the next. Always back from the rail. Always looking around. So many kids. That’s what stuck. Kids didn’t need to see this. I’ve ruined a lot but I couldn’t ruin a bunch of random kids. Still though I was stuck. It took me twenty minutes to find an elevator so I didn’t have to look down. Nothing felt good. Finally she called and everything went down hill. I’d fucked up again. I really have ruined everything. I’m deeply in love with someone who is afraid to love me. And why wouldn’t she be? I walked the streets talking. Broke down for a little bit in a field half crying and trying to catch my breathe. Everything felt wrong but then she found me. Even as she hates me she had to come find me because that’s who she is.

We talked for a while. She saw my scars and got scared and told me I should write a list of things to discuss with my therapist. Who is clearly having an easy session because he just has a few questions to clarify the story but doesn’t have to talk at all. Finally when it feels like time and she has to go home and I have to return to my wife’s house we say goodbye. And the a hug. Not powerful, but deep and meaningful. She pulls my arm closer and grabs my hand after. It’s a real moment. A true sign that she can still see some form of comfort in me. As I really these stories to my doctor that’s his exact remark. I seem hopeful almost despite having my worst week in so very long. Nothing is truly fixed. The divorce isn’t filed although it’s so close. I still feel like I have so very little control over my life but I see a path forward. So, yes, I am hopeful. It’s hard because I have a long history of blowing it but this has to be the time I don’t. I have to do everything to keep myself from being stupid. I have to take my meds, do my work, think everything through. I have to ask myself with every decision does this fit the person I want to be? And like she said, “just go one day at a time” like I’m an addict. That’s how I look at this. I made bad decisions and acted in horrible ways but I can be better because I can control my addiction. I do feel addicted to self-destruction but I want so much more. She showed me a world of so much more and you can’t go back from that.

Today was all about the big question. It’s a real tough one and will probably be the major focus of therapy.

What causes a man to lie, so much as to create almost a double life, and continue lying even when they know what the want?

That’s really the crux of the issue and it feels like an almost impossible issue. So we need a few facts to go along with that. I was married to a woman who made a great partner. She has a number of good attributes and she is a very good wife. No real complaint save this one. The relationship was never about a consuming love. I met her 8 months after my first serious breakup. Our relationship progressed without any real problems. There were good times and bad times but nothing was ever amazing. She was with me through a lot of personal bad times like when my brother was arrested and when my father died. She showed compassion. She was good. Then I met someone else. Also, a very good person. Supportive and kind. Funny and adventurous. But now there was also more. There was a passion, a fire. My mind never stopped thinking about her even at the times no self-respecting husband should be thinking about someone else. The thoughts just came so easily and made me so happy. There was no comparison on this emotional level. I started the affair. She was willing and from the beginning I thought “this could be my new reality”.

The lies started shortly after. First, her and I were a team. Lying together because we knew what we were feeling was legitimate and strong. Then the lies starting changing. I still knew the love was legitimate and real and strong but now I worried I wasn’t. Can a person who have legitimate thoughts if the don’t feel legitimate. Divorce isn’t a bad thing. People get through it everyday and sometimes it’s just needed. I saw how it was needed. How it was a good answer. It would be temporarily painful for her. Not that I wouldn’t need to process some form of grief but I had found what made me happiest. It would’ve been fine. I don’t know why that logic wasn’t there years ago. It would’ve helped. Instead my brain stopped being able to process logic. And without logic, the lies grew. Most lies come from the same reason. Selfish protection. I lie because I don’t want to have any hurt or mad at me. In case you are unaware, it doesn’t work. They just compound the hurt and anger.

When I asked my therapist why anyone would lie like I did, he didn’t really have an answer. In truth, my fault. He’s known my for three hours now and can’t answer why i did it and isn’t going to give me the top 5 reasons someone would lie. I need to find my own answers. But it did give us the roadmap. A roadmap is a good idea for facing any problems. It gives you a goal. Mine was to figure why I lied, what I thought would be accomplished and how can I ensure that it never happens again. That’s the big part. I was horrible, unrecognizable, and disgusting. That can never happen again.

There are other goals. The girl who filled me with passion and hope. The one who convinced me that I might be worthy of true love. She was destroyed and humiliated by me and my actions. Honestly, I think that’s why I talk about myself as two people. One who could be horrible and one who could be the hero. I’m not a hero but that doesn’t mean I can’t vanquish the worst parts of me. I’m not sure where they came from finding that out will be paramount to moving forward. I can’t even move forward as an individual without those answers.

We also talked a bit about trust. How can someone destroy all trust and then prove themselves trustworthy. To be clear at this moment I haven’t earned any trust. I badly want too but it’s only partially up to me. So we discussed apologies. The three parts that make any apology worth while. The third part of any apology is the resolution, the plan that’s being put in place to ensure the offending behavior won’t happen again. As you can imagine a plan to be different than you are without a full understanding of why you are the way you are can be somewhat difficult and if the most important part about the plan is sincerity you simply can’t shortcut any parts.

So, where do I stand on a plan? Here’s what is being worked on. The divorce is being done. Paperwork is filled out, some parts are still being waited for but the plan for divorce is fully in motion. It will take too long because it’s years overdue already, but it’s going forward. I’m looking for a place to live. You can’t build a relationship of an old one still exists. This I’ve learned incredibly painfully. I’ll need to divorce and severe all ties. Honestly, best for everyone. Everyone deserves to be loved passionately. I’m also writing letters of apologies. The first one is going out to the friends who had to clean up the mess I have made. When I told my doctor this he was very confused and not sure what I was hoping to accomplish. If I can rebuild this relationship her friends will have to decide on their own to be supportive or not. And honestly if they are supportive it was be because of me. Her friends love her and will support her. However, in a rare twist I’m not doing this for me. They’ve earned the story and since I really can’t get anything out of this other than peace of mind the story is honest. Perhaps brutally so but the details aren’t good. I’m not good. Not yet anyway.

First sessions are always the easiest. There’s no tough questions. I always have a bit of trouble with the family history. It’s long and complicated and I always worry I forgot something. It’s also a lot of bad to put into an introduction. Yeah, here’s a list of all my faults, nice to meet you too. 

Then it turns to what’s going on now. What happened that lead you to this office? In truth, many years of self-abuse and denial have forced me here. It’s a weird concept that I felt forced to destroy myself. It feels like I’m blaming myself but at the same time I’m defending myself. In fact, I have no idea what part is true. I suspect both. More on that later. 

What’s the biggest problem? The lies. When asked why I did what I did, I really had no answer. No understanding of myself. I felt lost and scared for years and in that moment nothing felt better. Therapy only works when you admit your problems but really hurts when you are completely lost for the why. That’s going to take a while. When I explained this my therapist’s response was that is something he is interested to hear more about but therapy works best when focused on moving forward. It’s important to understand what you did and why but it’s best to put to use to become the person you want to be. To understand the pitfalls that lead you to make the decisions you made and understand how to avoid them. That’ll be a big focus, to never be the person I was again. 

Thanks for joining me!

Good company in a journey makes the way seem shorter. — Izaak Walton