A healthy skepticism

A healthy skepticism. That was his first question after how are you because I called myself “moderately happy”. Things have been good and bad over the past week. So, he wanted to know if there was ever just a point when I was just happy. There have been moments but it’s been a while. I tend to be prepared for something to go wrong. I’m trying to be different. A little skepticism seems healthy and wise but can pretty quickly destine you for failure.

We started talking about my wife and looking at what’s she going through. Living in her house as been extremely stressful. Her world has been turned upside down and she doesn’t think it’ll ever be ok. So she lashes out when I won’t give her time. When I won’t ask how her day has been. He asks if I could do those things that might calm her and I honestly don’t know. I could have a 10 minute how was your day talk but would that calm her or just proceed to have her ask for a 30 minute talk? She wants to feel some part is normal but where does that stop? Or is the best thing to just remove myself from the situation entirely? We discuss living options, explaining how I need to use money for to buy my car so that I’ve ha difficulty saving to a point I can afford a place, how the roommate search isn’t going well, how I’m worried about a year long lease because what if shortly after signing the woman I love says I can live with her and I’m stuck in a lease. He admits it’s a lot to balance. He thinks I’ve been somewhat ingenious in solving what problems I have so far and suspects that if I keep working and keep thinking about what’s important to the woman I love I will find the answers.

We talk about the other problems facing my wife. She’s been cutting herself and whereas it hasn’t to been to kill herself simply to distract from the pain it’s not good and shows her coping behaviors are failing. She has been talking about suicide. I know she’s brought it up to her therapist and she’s brought up rough plans which is a bad sign. I’ve offered to her take her to the hospital but she’s always refused. I get it. It’s the same way I’ve been at times. How do I help her but maintain the divorce and not build any relationship with her? Even being a friend seems dangerous and foreign now. The doctor agrees that removing myself from the situation would help her develop coupling strategies that don’t involve me. She has friends that will help.

I wrote a letter to my mother explaining what had happened, the divorce, the affair, who is important to me and how much I love her. It wasn’t well received but it was important to set the record straight. He asks if the letter was an attempt to make amends. Part of being an addict is writing letters to make amends and he wants to know if I’m following that path and he’s somewhat surprised to find that I do feel like an addict and have look into those philosophies for guidance. This letter wasn’t about making amends though. It was about who I want to be and setting the record straight. It’s about the decisions I made and what decisions I need to make to be happy. The letter want well received but it was never about that. I say my mom blames herself for ruining my life and he asks if there’s any truth to that statement. She wasn’t a great mom and in some ways I’m portly adjusted but I don’t blame her. I know my own decisions and I know where I failed to make the right decisions based on what my head and heart want. It’s been hard to get them to line up but that’s not a product of how I was raised. Yes I don’t come from a family of divorce. There was only one and it was never well-received but everyone has made there peace with it. My generation in my family has already had another divorce but that was well-received under much different circumstances.

We also discuss how things are with the woman I love. Our messages vary a bit but have become far more positive. We talk about Saturday night when I went out with her brother and the doctor is excited I was able to help her out and step up. I talk about her saying she misses me and wants to reconcile. We talk about mistakes such as abandoning her when I fell asleep and he cautions mistakes will happen just apologize and strive to do better. Don’t get to bogged down just work to fix things. He sees I am working hard. He’s pleased at the progress. It’s nice to kind of go out an high note as they say.