Feeling Stronger

Tonight, I went in with a full little list of things to discuss. The list wasn’t good. It has been a rough week. I feel out of control of my own life which is unnerving. It creates a lot of bad feelings. I didn’t handle it well. I had an anxiety attack so bad I went to the ER. I felt like I was having a stroke, my entire side was numb. Even my face felt numb. I was checked out and released. The emergency room never diagnoses anxiety. They just make sure you’ll live and tell you to see your regular doctor. Of course that makes sense but dam it felt like a heart attack.

On Wednesday things really went wrong. I was at work during the day and cutting up some cardboard and just feeling down. I’ve never cut myself before but the pains in my head wouldn’t stop. Nothing felt right. I needed something to distract me from the pain so I ran the blade over my skin. Very lightly. It didn’t even mark but yeah it distracted me. I stopped feeling worse for a split second so I did it again. And again. Always light so it didn’t leave a mark. An hour later the marks were there though. Yes, I’ve tried to hurt myself in small ways to distract my brain and stop anxiety. This worked for a second but left me empty. 7 marks on your forearm doesn’t help self-esteem. I wasn’t going the right direction so I just felt worse. I left work and went for a walk.

I didn’t plan on going to the third floor of the mall. I was just going to grab a quick bite at the food court but as I went up I looked down. Nothing was right. I had deeply fucked up everything I wanted. I wanted to be happy but that seemed impossible. I had the “we are done” text from the woman I loved. It was a long way down. I went to sit down. It’s weird when you want to kill yourself. You start to focus on little details because you really don’t want to die. I was texting feverishly to talk to her but not getting responses. Mind you I was. Maybe 1 every 5 minutes but 5 minutes was an eternity. I was moving from one spot to the next. Always back from the rail. Always looking around. So many kids. That’s what stuck. Kids didn’t need to see this. I’ve ruined a lot but I couldn’t ruin a bunch of random kids. Still though I was stuck. It took me twenty minutes to find an elevator so I didn’t have to look down. Nothing felt good. Finally she called and everything went down hill. I’d fucked up again. I really have ruined everything. I’m deeply in love with someone who is afraid to love me. And why wouldn’t she be? I walked the streets talking. Broke down for a little bit in a field half crying and trying to catch my breathe. Everything felt wrong but then she found me. Even as she hates me she had to come find me because that’s who she is.

We talked for a while. She saw my scars and got scared and told me I should write a list of things to discuss with my therapist. Who is clearly having an easy session because he just has a few questions to clarify the story but doesn’t have to talk at all. Finally when it feels like time and she has to go home and I have to return to my wife’s house we say goodbye. And the a hug. Not powerful, but deep and meaningful. She pulls my arm closer and grabs my hand after. It’s a real moment. A true sign that she can still see some form of comfort in me. As I really these stories to my doctor that’s his exact remark. I seem hopeful almost despite having my worst week in so very long. Nothing is truly fixed. The divorce isn’t filed although it’s so close. I still feel like I have so very little control over my life but I see a path forward. So, yes, I am hopeful. It’s hard because I have a long history of blowing it but this has to be the time I don’t. I have to do everything to keep myself from being stupid. I have to take my meds, do my work, think everything through. I have to ask myself with every decision does this fit the person I want to be? And like she said, “just go one day at a time” like I’m an addict. That’s how I look at this. I made bad decisions and acted in horrible ways but I can be better because I can control my addiction. I do feel addicted to self-destruction but I want so much more. She showed me a world of so much more and you can’t go back from that.