Why I lie

Today was all about the big question. It’s a real tough one and will probably be the major focus of therapy.

What causes a man to lie, so much as to create almost a double life, and continue lying even when they know what the want?

That’s really the crux of the issue and it feels like an almost impossible issue. So we need a few facts to go along with that. I was married to a woman who made a great partner. She has a number of good attributes and she is a very good wife. No real complaint save this one. The relationship was never about a consuming love. I met her 8 months after my first serious breakup. Our relationship progressed without any real problems. There were good times and bad times but nothing was ever amazing. She was with me through a lot of personal bad times like when my brother was arrested and when my father died. She showed compassion. She was good. Then I met someone else. Also, a very good person. Supportive and kind. Funny and adventurous. But now there was also more. There was a passion, a fire. My mind never stopped thinking about her even at the times no self-respecting husband should be thinking about someone else. The thoughts just came so easily and made me so happy. There was no comparison on this emotional level. I started the affair. She was willing and from the beginning I thought “this could be my new reality”.

The lies started shortly after. First, her and I were a team. Lying together because we knew what we were feeling was legitimate and strong. Then the lies starting changing. I still knew the love was legitimate and real and strong but now I worried I wasn’t. Can a person who have legitimate thoughts if the don’t feel legitimate. Divorce isn’t a bad thing. People get through it everyday and sometimes it’s just needed. I saw how it was needed. How it was a good answer. It would be temporarily painful for her. Not that I wouldn’t need to process some form of grief but I had found what made me happiest. It would’ve been fine. I don’t know why that logic wasn’t there years ago. It would’ve helped. Instead my brain stopped being able to process logic. And without logic, the lies grew. Most lies come from the same reason. Selfish protection. I lie because I don’t want to have any hurt or mad at me. In case you are unaware, it doesn’t work. They just compound the hurt and anger.

When I asked my therapist why anyone would lie like I did, he didn’t really have an answer. In truth, my fault. He’s known my for three hours now and can’t answer why i did it and isn’t going to give me the top 5 reasons someone would lie. I need to find my own answers. But it did give us the roadmap. A roadmap is a good idea for facing any problems. It gives you a goal. Mine was to figure why I lied, what I thought would be accomplished and how can I ensure that it never happens again. That’s the big part. I was horrible, unrecognizable, and disgusting. That can never happen again.

There are other goals. The girl who filled me with passion and hope. The one who convinced me that I might be worthy of true love. She was destroyed and humiliated by me and my actions. Honestly, I think that’s why I talk about myself as two people. One who could be horrible and one who could be the hero. I’m not a hero but that doesn’t mean I can’t vanquish the worst parts of me. I’m not sure where they came from finding that out will be paramount to moving forward. I can’t even move forward as an individual without those answers.

We also talked a bit about trust. How can someone destroy all trust and then prove themselves trustworthy. To be clear at this moment I haven’t earned any trust. I badly want too but it’s only partially up to me. So we discussed apologies. The three parts that make any apology worth while. The third part of any apology is the resolution, the plan that’s being put in place to ensure the offending behavior won’t happen again. As you can imagine a plan to be different than you are without a full understanding of why you are the way you are can be somewhat difficult and if the most important part about the plan is sincerity you simply can’t shortcut any parts.

So, where do I stand on a plan? Here’s what is being worked on. The divorce is being done. Paperwork is filled out, some parts are still being waited for but the plan for divorce is fully in motion. It will take too long because it’s years overdue already, but it’s going forward. I’m looking for a place to live. You can’t build a relationship of an old one still exists. This I’ve learned incredibly painfully. I’ll need to divorce and severe all ties. Honestly, best for everyone. Everyone deserves to be loved passionately. I’m also writing letters of apologies. The first one is going out to the friends who had to clean up the mess I have made. When I told my doctor this he was very confused and not sure what I was hoping to accomplish. If I can rebuild this relationship her friends will have to decide on their own to be supportive or not. And honestly if they are supportive it was be because of me. Her friends love her and will support her. However, in a rare twist I’m not doing this for me. They’ve earned the story and since I really can’t get anything out of this other than peace of mind the story is honest. Perhaps brutally so but the details aren’t good. I’m not good. Not yet anyway.